EPISODE 2: FRED ARMISEN

Welcome to the Week Sauce! Show. This week’s episode features SNL’s Fred Armisen.

MONOLOGUE!

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President Barack Obama turned 51 on Saturday.
Or as Donald Trump described it, “President” “Barack Obama” “turned 51” on Saturday.

In light of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee declaring Wednesday “Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day,” hundreds lined up outside of Chick-Fil-A branches around the country in support of the much-maligned fast-food chain.
Because as Jesus said in the Bible, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you, unless your spicy chicken sandwich with cheese is jeopardized in some way.”

Stevie Wonder has filed for divorce after 11 years of marriage to Kia Millard Morris.
In a cruel twist of irony, the only person who saw it coming was Stevie Wonder.

Festival-goers at the Lollapalooza music festival in Chicago were temporarily evacuated and taken to underground emergency shelters on Saturday due to severe weather threats.
“Severe Weather Threats” being the name of Nickelback’s new album.

A new strain of swine flu has begun to spread, prompting health officials to warn the public to be careful around pigs at state and county fairs this summer.
So you’ll just have to find another form of entertainment this summer aside from recreationally hanging out with pigs at county fairs.

A New Jersey man dressed as Batman was arrested on Tuesday after causing a disturbance at his local Home Depot.
After being handcuffed, he was brought outside the Home Depot, where twenty Mexican immigrants immediately offered to be his lawyer.

The United States Olympic basketball team broke multiple records when they destroyed Nigeria, 156-73, on Thursday.
Cultural anthropologists around the world agreed that an 83-point loss to the world’s greatest superpower on international television was exactly what the developing African nation needed to be knocked off its proverbial high horse.

Taco Bell announced this week that the launch of the Doritos Locos Taco was the most successful in the company’s 50 year history.
The launch was described by insiders as “a perfectly executed delivery into the welcoming mouth of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.”

Rapper Mystikal, who surged to fame in 2000 with his hit “Shake Ya Ass,” was released from prison Friday after serving an 81-day sentence for violating his probation.
The rapper immediately announced that he no longer wanted to discuss anything about shaking asses.

 

PROPHECY CORNER!

with Ryan Walls

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Why are we here? Where are we going? Has anyone heard from Keith? Have you met his new girlfriend? Ugh, I know, right? Life is full of questions, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a victim to the uncertainties of the universe. Each week right here at the Prophecy Corner, we’ll help you prepare for the best and the worst with a prediction of what’s to come in the week ahead.

This week’s prediction:

ON WEDNESDAY MORNING, A SPIRITED LINDSAY LOHAN WILL INSIST ON MAKING A MILKSHAKE…

ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, A DRY-HEAVING CORONER WILL SWEAR OFF DAIRY FOREVER.

Ryan Walls holds a Bachelors in Conjuring and is three credits short of a minor in Physical Education from Sheridan’s Torch Community College

 

GETTIN’ SAUCED! with Fred

Armisen

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Fred Armisen

This week’s guest on the Week Sauce! Show is Saturday Night Live’s Fred Armisen.

Week Sauce! Show: Does Lorne Michaels still intimidate you?
Fred Armisen: He never intimidated me! Always a kind person.

WSS: Any word as to whether or not that bottle of sparkling apple juice was ever received?
FA: It’s a question that goes on forever.

WSS: If you were asked to create a Fred Armisen signature cologne, what would it smell like?
FA: Chocolate.

WSS: What would you buy with a $2,000 gift card to Bed, Bath, and Beyond?
FA: Towels. A steamer for clothes. And batteries. Lots of batteries.

WSS: Have you ever done a celebrity impression on SNL strictly with the hope of meeting that person?
FA: Yes. Prince and Steve Jobs. Mission accomplished.

WSS: What was your first interaction with Prince like?
FA: He was cool and he kidded around with me for a moment.

WSS: If you were asked to leave behind everything you’re doing right now to join a band, which band would you do it for?
FA: Dirty Projectors.

WSS: Which “Portlandia” character are you most like in real life?
FA: Fred.

Thanks for tuning in. Please enjoy this week’s video send-off – Fred and Bryan Cranston’s famous Bjaelland Brothers sketch. See you next Monday!