EPISODE 5: DAVID CROSS

Welcome to the Week Sauce! Show. This week’s guest is actor/comedian David Cross.

MONOLOGUE!

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Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi gave birth early Sunday morning at a New Jersey hospital.
The baby boy was born around 3am and was arrested roughly two hours later by Seaside Heights police for public intoxication and disorderly conduct.

On Friday, a jury determined that Samsung had infringed upon several Apple patents in designing its phones and ordered the South Korea-based company to pay Apple $1.05 billion in damages.
Samsung first drew the skepticism of Apple when it named their smartphone that debuted in March the Samsung Steve Jobs is a DouchePhone.

The Republican National Convention in Florida was delayed due to a possible hurricane as a result of Tropical Storm Isaac.
“Wish it was Hurricane CHRIS Isaak crashing into us!” quietly uttered many closeted Republicans to themselves.


On Wednesday, rapper/actor LL Cool J stopped a burglar who had broken into his L.A.  home, breaking the trespasser’s nose and jaw during the altercation.

“Momma said knock you out!” Cool J reportedly shouted, before later admitting, “That was lame, sorry, but you’re going to jail now.”

Astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, died on Saturday at the age of 82.
The set where the moon landing was filmed, now occupied by the production of the ABC series “Castle,” was flooded with Armstrong fans paying their respects to the fallen icon.


According to reports, Nike is set to release Lebron James’ Lebron X shoe this fall for an estimated $315 per pair.

James explained that the good will generated towards him from the Olympics wasn’t exactly “his style” and that it “felt like the right time” to go back to being a national pariah.

According to a recent Columbia University survey, nearly one in five students drink, smoke cigarettes, or do drugs during the school day.
The same study revealed that four out of five students “regret going to Columbia.”

It was announced this week that singer Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger are engaged.
The couple explained their decision to marry as a strategic ploy to prevent their respective gene pools from having to toxify more than one total family.


Cyclist Lance Armstrong received a lifetime ban from Olympic sports and was stripped of his record seven Tour de France titles after deciding to abandon his long fight against charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career.

When asked for comment, Armstrong’s cancerous former left testicle told the media, “Well, at least I wasn’t metabolically shrunk against my will.”

 

PROPHECY CORNER! with

Ryan Walls

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Why are we here? Where are we going? Has anyone heard from Keith? Have you met his new girlfriend? Ugh, I know, right? Life is full of questions, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a victim to the uncertainties of the universe. Each week right here at the Prophecy Corner, we’ll help you prepare for the best and the worst with a prediction of what’s to come in the week ahead.

This week’s prediction: 

ON THURSDAY, THERE WILL BE AN ERROR IN THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT OF THE CHRISTIAN HEAVEN…

AND AROUND 6:15 PST, LINDSAY LOHAN WILL BE ACCIDENTALLY RAPTURED

Ryan Walls holds a Bachelors in Conjuring and is three credits short of a minor in Physical Education from Sheridan’s Torch Community College.

 

TOP 5 UNHOLY UNIONS THAT

SOCIETY NEEDS TO DO

EVERYTHING IT CAN TO

PREVENT FROM HAPPENING

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Yikes.

The recent engagement of Canadian pop-rocker Avril Lavigne and Nickelback lifeblood Chad Kroeger serves as stark reminder that “it takes two to make a thing go right” is not always applicable.  The union of Lavigne’s angsty teen pop and Nickelback’s atonal dumpster rock is quite possibly the worst thing to happen to humanity (sorry, genocide). Week Sauce! would like to take a moment to warn the public of other potentially catastrophic pairings, which we as a society must fight to never let happen.

NUMBER 5!

THE SITUATION and MILEY CYRUS

NUMBER 4!

PEREZ HILTON and CLAY AIKEN

NUMBER 3!

KIRK CAMERON and KATE UPTON

NUMBER 2!

ANTONIO CROMARTIE and ANY OF THE GIRLS ON MTV’S “TEEN MOM”

NUMBER 1!

KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST

 

GETTIN’ SAUCED! with David

Cross

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This week’s guest on the Week Sauce! Show is actor/comedian David Cross.

Week Sauce! Show: You share a name with David Cross, ex-violinist of King Crimson, David Cross, ex-English soccer player, David Cross, British artist, and David Cross, British technical author of the book Data Munging with Perl. If you had to switch lives with one of these other David Crosses for a day, whose would you choose?
David Cross: Hmmm, they’re all Brits. Well okay, I guess I would switch with the one that played soccer (pronounced, “football”) and spend the day complaining about the American me but then contacting all the people I was complaining to and tell them that I checked me out on Youtube and turns out I’m really funny! Then, right before we switched back, I’d eat a ghost pepper.

WSS: How much fun has it been playing Tobias Funke after this long hiatus? Has it been challenging to re-immerse yourself in the character?
DC: Very much fun. Really great to see and work with everyone again too. Not too challenging really. We’ve all been consulting with old video to refresh ourselves.

WSS: Many comedians cite Mr. Show as a tremendous influence on their careers in comedy. Are they justified? What show(s) had a formative influence on your brand of humor?
DC: Yes, they are justified. I was very influenced by the show, “Justified” on FX. Still am.

WSS: In a Rolling Stone article a while back you told your favorite joke about the “luckiest guy in the world.” Do you still think Jim Belushi deserves that title or has someone overtaken him?
DC: Nope. Still Jim Belushi.

WSS: You’ve had the opportunity to work with many talented people. Is there anyone out there with whom you haven’t worked that you’d really like to?
DC: So many people I would love to work with – I think Beau Bridges is a very underrated actor, anyone from “Community” (apart from Chevy Chase), Paul Thomas Anderson, Armando Ianucci, Amy Poehler, Matt Walsh, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis, Mindy Kaling, just soooo many people. Too many to list here.

WSS: What’s a talent you possess that the casual David Cross fan wouldn’t know about?
DC: I can outdrink people twice my size. I’ll drink anyone under the table.

WSS: The year is 2032. What is David Cross promoting?
DC: My new line of virtual tomato panties.

Oh, no – we forgot to ask David if he’s ever accidentally read scene direction as dialogue! Kevin Sorbo has! Check it out below in this week’s video send-off, and we’ll be back next week!