EPISODE 8: PAUL SCHEER

Welcome to the Week Sauce! Show. This week’s guest is actor/comedian Paul Scheer.

MONOLOGUE!

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“Liz & Dick,” starring Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, premiered to negative reviews on Lifetime.
Or as Lohan told her friends while wiping her nose, “INCREDIBLE reviews. They loved it. LOVED. IT. Hey is it hot in here? It’s hot, right?”

 

Fans of the undefeated Ohio State football team have directly petitioned President Obama to lift the postseason ban on the Buckeyes from the NCAA so they have a shot at the national title.
For his part, Obama politely reminded the residents of Ohio that the election was a couple weeks ago and that they no longer mattered.

 

Cheryl Grampa, a teacher in Florida, lost her teaching license this week when it was discovered she regularly solicited massages from her students.
Just as unsettling were the ensuing “Teenagers Massage Grampa” headlines around the country.

 

On the Today Show this week, Willie Nelson said he’s never given up smoking pot because he hasn’t “seen any side effects that are really harmful to me.”
He then added, “I did once consider quitting, but then I realized it’s the only reason people have known who I am since 1976.”

 

Mike D’Antoni coached his first game with the LA Lakers on Tuesday in a game against the Brooklyn Nets, replacing the fired Mike Brown.
D’Antoni was welcomed by the Staples Center crowd with a standing ovation and then promptly fired :15 seconds into the first quarter after the Nets went up 2-0.

 

A 140-car pileup in Texas resulted in the death of two people and dozens of injuries.
”Ugh, can NO ONE drive anymore?” muttered the driver of the 141st car to himself.

 

Shoppers lined up around the country at midnight Friday morning for annual “Black Friday” deals.
Among the most popular deals offered was from Best Buy – a brand new IPad Mini for the low cost of “All of the respect you’ve ever accrued over the course of a lifetime from friends and strangers alike.”

 

A natural gas explosion completely destroyed a strip club in Springfield, MA on Friday.
”Pay it forward,” said God.

 

A suspicious white powder was sent to Khloe Kardashian at her new gig as a host on Fox’s “The X-Factor.”
America, you decide: Text 10081 if you want her to lick it, or 10082 if you want her to sprinkle some in Simon Cowell’s coffee. 

 

“Twilight” won this weekend’s box office with $65 million, bringing its worldwide total to $577 million over its first two weeks in theaters.
Proving once again that no matter whether you’re Team Edward or Team Jacob, you’re definitely Team Giving All of These Assholes Millions of Dollars.

 

TOP 5 SENATOR CHUCK

GRASSLEY (R-IA) TWEETS OF

THE LAST FEW WEEKS

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Senator Grassley (R-IA)

During episode 3 of the Week Sauce! Show featuring special guest Rider Strong, we published our first installment of what we determined to be the Top 5 Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) tweets of the last few weeks. Well, it’s been a few months, and Senator Grassley’s iPhone thumbs have sure been busy.

As a refresher: The Week Sauce! Show believes that Senator Grassley deserves a measure of respect for being the only politician the we’re aware of whose Twitter account (@ChuckGrassley) isn’t controlled by a tech-savvy recent college graduate. Unfortunately for the 79 year-old senator – and fortunately for basically everyone else – this often results in entertainingly unintelligible ramblings intended to be profound political declarations.

Here now are the top five Senator Grassley tweets of the last few weeks, with WSS analysis/interpretation. These are all real.

 

NUMBER 5!

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: Ah, yes — “If.” Haven’t we all pondered this meta topic before, from time to time? “If” indeed, Senator. 

 

NUMBER 4!

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: This is the rebuttal tweet for those who (cough) mock Senator Grassley’s typically botched handling of his 140-character limit. To wit: The tweet includes both a mention of the investigation by congressional Republicans of UN ambassador Susan Rice’s supposed poor handling of the Benghazi tragedy, AND an update on the first set of a volleyball game between the University of Northern Iowa and Bradley University! “Apples and oranges”? How about “men’s college volleyball and Benghazi”? 

 

NUMBER 3!

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: While we congratulate Paul Nelson for his TV Jeopardy appearance, we’re not sure what being the second of Senator Grassley’s staffers to do Tom Walsh a few years ago has anything to do with it. Or is “doing Tom Walsh” twitter slang for “appearing on Jeopardy”? Your guess is as good as ours, and to be honest with you, Senator Grassley would rank among the most appropriate people to ask. Benefit of the doubt: granted.

 

NUMBER 2!

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: Okay, fine, we’re piling on, but we swear we only included this one for the incredible reply it yielded from the twitter account “@jlerwin”:

James, we salute you.

 

And, the NUMBER 1 Chuck Grassley tweet of the last few weeks…

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: Guys, we don’t want to jump the gun here… but ABC News and Karl Rove are BOTH ready to declare this the greatest Grassley tweet of all time. Where to begin? First of all, who is Fred? Was he cool with the senator hitting a deer and leaving it for dead? Or was Fred driving? What were the both of you “farming”? Why would the senator choose to put this on the internet in the first place? Per the relative nonchalance of the tweet, is this just a typical Friday for him? Has he accidentally killed many deer in his life? Was this even accidental? 

Thank you, Senator Grassley. Don’t ever change.

 

GETTIN SAUCED! WITH PAUL

SCHEER

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This week’s guest on the Week Sauce! Show is actor/comedian Paul Scheer

Week Sauce! Show: You were part of the sketch group Human Giant along with Rob Huebel and Aziz Ansari.  In the spirit of the classic sleepover game, who would you screw, kill, and marry.  (Note: We realize there are three options for only two people, but make it work.)
Paul Scheer: I’d murder them all, fuck them all and marry them all because I’m a necrophiliac who craves commitment.

 

WSS: In The League your character and his friends play fantasy football.  If you had to draft a fantasy team of U.S. Presidents, who would be in your starting five?
PS: Taft – You always need a fat guy.
Clinton – Just because I can’t get over our one night stand.
FDR – He had special powers in his wheelchair.
Garfield – If he’s anything like the cat, I’ll love him.
President Camacho from Idiocracy.

 

WSS: Which is your favorite emoticon?  In what circumstance would you use the emoticon with a dollar sign mouth (i.e. :$)?
PS: The Dollar sign emoticon is clearly to let you know that you are either planning on growing a moustache or the last response in your message chain was so good you just grew a mustache.

My favorite emoticon is (*) — I call it the infected butthole

 

WSS: Do you remember your most satisfying pee?  Describe the circumstances surrounding that experience?
PS: Yes. I was with the Hip Hop group N.W.A. on a street corner in Compton and I told Ice Cube he needed to do Kid’s movies and he really took that in. I felt like I changed a life.

 

WSS: In the film Piranha 3D, you played Andrew Cunningham, a “Wild Wild Girls” cameraman and the boat driver.  As a method actor, how did you prepare for such a role?
PS: Eating lots of yogurt

 

WSS: You have been involved in many projects throughout your career.  Is there a moment or experience that has been your favorite so far?
PS: Nope.

 

WSS: Who would play you in the Paul Scheer biopic?
PS: ALF.

 

WSS: What do you expect to be promoting ten years from now?
PS: This interview

 

Thanks for checking us out! Please enjoy our video send-off — and if you know Gustavo, tell him he has a Week Sauce! interview with his name on it! (Then explain to him what we are and have him tell his friends.) See you next week, we hope!