EPISODE 12: JEN KIRKMAN

Welcome to the Week Sauce! Show. This week’s guest is comedian JEN KIRKMAN!

MONOLOGUE!

Scott Walker’s Monday announcement makes him the 15th Republican to launch a presidential campaign.

Or the final piece to the lamest Marvel franchise yet.

 

Sunday’s Miss USA pageant, which was dropped by NBC and Univision following controversial remarks by pageant co-owner Donald Trump, aired on cable’s Reelz Television.

As in, this is for Reelz a television channel.

 

Whoopi Goldberg defended Bill Cosby this weekend, pointing out that “it has not been proven that he is a rapist.”

To which Cosby responded,

bill-cosby-accuser-not-even-there-liar

 

On Thursday night, Pope Francis denounced modern capitalism, calling the unfettered pursuit of money “the devil’s dung.”

The comment marked the strongest public language from the Pope to date until three minutes later when he called season 2 of True Detective, “Complete fucking horseshit.”

 

Serena Williams won her 21st Grand Slam trophy this weekend when she defeated Spain’s Garbiñe Muguruza at Wimbledon.

After the match, Muguruza was gracious enough to personally apologize to the Wimbledon crowd for wasting everyone’s time.

 

A Long Island man at a Broadway show jumped on stage and attempted to charge his phone using a fake outlet this week.

The incident served as the latest devastating reminder that people from Long Island are also allowed to be in public.

 

A 108 year-old woman became the oldest person to throw out a first pitch Sunday at a Seattle Mariners game.

She will be missed.

 

Nathan Collier, a polygamist in Montana, requested the right to wed two women on Saturday, claiming inspiration from the recent Supreme Court ruling in favor of same sex marriage.

Explained Collier, “I was inspired by my unrelenting ability to misunderstand things.”

 

GROUP TEXT INFILTRATOR WITH NICK LICARE

Friend of the program Nick Licare was errantly added to a group text message about a picnic. He’s now responsible for orzo salad. (Note: This is 100% real.)

(screenshots and captions by Nick Licare)

GETTIN’ SAUCED WITH JEN KIRKMAN!

Kirkman

Week Sauce! Show: Your Netflix comedy special is called I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine). What was your back-up title?

Jen Kirkman: I’m so bad ass, like Fonzie, I had no back up title. I said, ”Hey, Netflix.  Take it or leave it or sit on it.”

 

You’re no stranger to life on the road (you have big tour this summer). What is your favorite thing to do after a show?

My favorite thing to do after a show is to go to bed. Usually my shows end at midnight, and usually I have to be up the next morning to do press. And after talking for an hour, I don’t want to hear my own voice anymore. If I am overseas and in a place I normally wouldn’t just pop to on my own, I try to make the most of it and live a life. But I avoid all public places because no matter where I’ve gone, no matter what city in what state in every country, after midnight, I just hear music that sounds like air raid signals and watch drunk people screaming. I want nothing to do with them. If you want to put this answer in some kind of think-tank, I bet you’ll find that it’s scientifically proven to be the least funny answer given in an interview, ever.

 

Do you think today’s comedy audiences are too sensitive?

I think this question – while meaning no offense to you guys — isn’t nuanced enough. So I will have to take it apart and answer it, Kirkman-style. What’s happening now is that people who don’t go to comedy shows and people who aren’t comedians are dissecting what people should and shouldn’t say and what people should and shouldn’t react to. Anytime you see a comedian get called out for saying something shocking, you’ll notice he or she did it in a room full of people who laughed, and perhaps one person was offended, and that person then told the entire internet and the entire internet goes nuts at words taken out of context – the context being a comedy club where adults go to say things using sarcasm, irony and satire.

However, what’s also happening is that we have a lot of hacks out there who get on stage and announce, “If you are a politically correct person, you won’t like me.” Nothing is more boring than a self-described edgy comedian. Also, I think being sensitive is beautiful. Comedians are sensitive. Our job isn’t to spread pain to audiences and rehash stereotypes. Our job is to laugh at terrible people and help heal anyone – through laughter — who has been affected by a terrible person (aka a racist, homophobe, sexist, anti-Semite, bully, etc.) Comedians have to be one step ahead of the funniest guy at your office. That’s why people pay to listen to us at night after work, and not him. If words such as “retarded” and “tranny” are now no longer acceptable to most of the public, a good comedian will have no problem evolving and using a different word. Also, a good comedian isn’t usually making fun of mentally challenged or transgendered folks. Our job is to be on the side of humanity and to be more creative with our words, so anyone who refuses to evolve is just saying, “I’m not a very good comedian. I’m lazy and I want to not have to think of something else to say. And I’m afraid to reveal myself so I’m taking on easy targets.”

What the question should be is “Are today’s comedy audiences too unsophisticated?” And to that I would say, yes, some people in some audiences are and once in a while I’ve said something that is not patently offensive, but they shy away because I’ve made fun of stupid attitudes and they are taking it personally.

What do you think is Michael Ian Black’s (your “Really Good Advice” collaborator) go-to workout at the gym?

Michael’s go-to workout is a move called, “Buy a smoothie at the snack bar…stand around drinking it and checking Twitter.  Leave gym.”

 

Can you come up with any reason why in your lifetime you might move to Omaha, Nebraska?

This seems like something that if I answer honestly I will alienate the very people who I want to come to my show.  I guess I would move to Omaha if I found out that anyone who lives in Omaha is getting a check for fifty million dollars and New York City and L.A have fallen into the sea due to natural disasters.

 

You have well over 150,000 Twitter followers. What is the biggest perk to having an army of followers? What’s the unforeseen downside?

Anyone who sees their Twitter folk as “followers” or an “army” is probably an unfunny douchebag. The type of person who takes pictures from the stage of themselves getting a standing ovation. Anyway, I think these days people scroll Twitter quickly and catch what they catch. I’m sure half the people who follow me forgot that they were. The downside would be believing that my Twitter numbers mean 150,000+ people are hanging on my every word. The plus side is that most likely hundreds of thousands of people are hanging on my every word which means I am that much closer to taking over the world.

 

What do you hope to be promoting 10 years from now?

My miracle vaginal rejuvination cream that I’m selling on QVC.  And my real answer is that anything I’ve ever imagined for myself hasn’t been the avenue I end up going down – so I’ll continue to just do what makes me happy and see what opens up.  But also seriously, I want to sell crap on QVC.

 

Jen is touring this summer! Here is a link to her tour dates — http://www.jenkirkman.com/tour-dates — and below, a trailer for her newest special, “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine),” now available on Netflix. Thanks for joining us, and see you next week!