EPISODE 13: PAUL PIERCE

Welcome to the Week Sauce! Show. This week’s guest is NBA great PAUL PIERCE!

MONOLOGUE!

On Monday, Donald Trump said of Hillary Clinton’s 2008 primary battle with Barack Obama, “She got schlonged.”
The sexist gaffe was so costly that experts predict Trump will gain only six percentage points from it.

The chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed that during the Republican debate Ted Cruz divulged classified information about the government’s phone surveillance program.
Though Cruz is claiming victory in getting his name and intelligence in the same headline.

A North Carolina woman was arrested after she tried to steal a can of cookie dough from a Walmart by hiding it in her vagina, but the can erupted.
The woman was sentenced to time already served.

Steve Harvey accidentally crowned the wrong Miss Universe Sunday night, announcing Miss Colombia instead of Miss Philippines.
The incident called to mind prior gaffes from Family Feud hosts at the Miss Universe pageant, like in 2002 when Louie Anderson accidentally awarded the crown to a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup.

It was noted that iPhones will autocorrect the word “lardass” to “Kardashian.”
A rare case of autocorrect replacing an insult with a slur.

Bill Cosby has filed a lawsuit against seven of the women accusing him of sexual assault saying that they tried to “assassinate his honorable legacy.”
Of the other 43 women, Cosby said, “Oh, yes, I sexually assaulted them.”

A factory worker in Thailand faces nearly 40 years in prison for posting a sarcastic tweet about the king’s dog.
But in fairness to the king, his dog is just sooooo cutttteeeee.

Merriam-Webster has declared the word of the year to be the suffix “-ism” to reflect readily used terms such as fascism, racism, terrorism,
And phoning-it-in-at-work-so-you-don’t-have-to-come-up-with-a-real-word-ism.

It was discovered this week that Hitler really did only have one testicle.
Meaning that the holocaust was the 1930s equivalent of buying a Hummer.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign published an article titled “7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela,” using the Spanish word for “grandmother,” which drew criticism on Twitter using the hashtag #NotMyAbuela.
And unfortunately for Hillary, Maury had some bad news…
Hillary Abuela

 

Last Christmas by WHAM! explained with GIFs

We’ve all heard the WHAM! classic “Last Christmas” at least a hundred times this holiday season, more if you did any Christmas shopping at a Bath & Body Works. But have you ever stopped to think about what George Michael is singing about? “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, and the very next day you gave it away.” These ambiguous thoughts of a scorned lover deserve some explanation. So we turned to the music video for answers.

SETTING: SIBERIA/JAMES BOND HIDEOUT/WHERE THE SHINING TOOK PLACE

Regardless of what is about to happen, this ominous landscape does not bode well for our hero, George Michael.

THANK GOD FOR SMILING FRIENDS

Okay, this isn’t so bad. George pulls up to see his excited friends (including one black woman who probably has no idea what she signed up for).

DID IT JUST GET ICE COLD OUT HERE?

Hang on. Those pleasant smiles quickly fade as Georgie locks eyes with a brunette (Spoiler: This won’t be the last knowing look). Who is this woman, and what did she do to deserve this Sub-Arctic stare?

NEVER MIND, IT’S DINNER PARTY TIME!

Who cares if there might be some tension brewing? There’s nothing a little holiday decorating and festive dinner party can’t fix!

CLUMSY GARLAND DROP 101

Damn it, George! Though you sold the hell out of this mishap, you’re now face to face with the brunette who changed your jovial demeanor moments earlier. Just promise me you won’t get all emo about it.

OH, HELL.

Alright, we get it, GM. Something happened between you two. You’re sad. Gather yourself and get inside before hypothermia sets in.

THE OTHER MAN

Hm, it appears as if this woman is friendly with another man with equally impressive hair. George senses it. Probably because he is not subtly STARING AT THEM.

A BROOCH!

This seductive brooch shot comes out of nowhere. It’s a nice brooch by brooch standards.

DREAM/NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE CHASE

Now, we can only assume that this is a dream and not a post-dinner party attempted rape because George and the brunette are wearing different clothes and laughing. Perhaps this is what happened Last Christmas!

IT’S THE GD BROOCH AGAIN!

As the dream continues, we see our sensitive lover boy present his lady in red with the aforementioned brooch. Using the power of deductive reasoning (and the song lyrics), we can only assume that when George sings, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…” he means “brooch.” LAST CHRISTMAS, HE GAVE HER A BROOCH! This is coming together.

WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Why are you guys walking into the woods? We were just starting to understand how this lady hurt George Michael.

THE END?!

This is how the video ends. George walks out of the ski lift with his blonde snow bunny smiling. WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE BRUNETTE, GEORGE? What did she do to you that led you to write a song that is played in malls and on soft rock radio stations throughout the world?

So the “Last Christmas” mystery continues. We will continue to look for answers, but remember: A brooch is a weird gift, and could potentially ruin your relationship.

 

GETTIN’ SAUCED! WITH PAUL PIERCE!

Paul Pierce

Boston Celtics’ Paul Pierce looks for a reaction from the crowd in the second quarter of an NBA first-round playoff series basketball game against the Atlanta Hawks in Boston, Sunday, May 6, 2012. The Celtics won 101-79. (AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)

Week Sauce! Show: Scale of 1-10, how offended are you when your coach draws up a play NOT for you at the end of a tie game? Has that ever happened?
Paul Pierce: No. It’s never happened.

What’s the craziest bet you’ve ever made with a teammate? Did you win?
I just play poker for fun, win a little money, lose a little money, but I’m not trying to lose my house.

Who is the funniest player in the NBA?
KG and I have had some good laughs, but it’s definitely me.

Name a song that pumps you up that people would not expect to be on your iPod.
I like everything, there isn’t one song that pumps me up. 

 

PAUL PIERCE WEEK SAUCE! INTERVIEW BOX SCORE
Pierce5

KEY
TW: Total Words
SITPPTFHDTI: Seconds it Took Paul Pierce to Forget He Answered Those Questions For Us
OTIYAHAIPPRATQFU: Odds That, If You Asked Him About It Now, Paul Pierce Remembers Answering These Questions For Us
JaNELTWGPPS1-10: Julian and Nick Excitement Level That We Got Paul Pierce, Scale 1-10
OTBEPPGPPWHAIHPWBSAHHC: Off Topic, But Estimated Points Per Game Paul Pierce Would Have Averaged In His Prime With Brad Stevens As His Head Coach

 

Thanks for stopping by! We leave you with our favorite Pierce game, 2008 Eastern Conference Semis Game 7, when he put 41 on LeBron and the Cavs. See you…soon?